Tragic Loss: The Unspoken Reason for Paid Leave
About the writer: Tony Iovieno serves as the Individual Giving Manager for FV@W. On January 29th, Tony’s family suffered a tragic loss due to a car accident. Tony identifies as a white cis hetero neurodiverse male and uses he/him/his pronouns.
TW: Death
A few months ago, I was lucky to be selected by Family Values @ Work for an open position in fundraising. I’ve learned so much about family-friendly policies – like access to Paid Leave – but I’ve also discovered just how far behind my state (Michigan), and my country, are on this. While I’m passionate about this issue – until a few weeks ago it still felt largely ‘academic’ – or at least not wildly personal. I liked that. I could be passionate, but if it wasn’t too personal – maybe it wouldn’t consume my entire being? As someone plagued by continual burnout, this felt wise. But if God exists, this is the part where they say, “Ha! Not so fast”…
I really hate Sunday nights; thanks for nothing crippling anxiety. I thought maybe a decent meal might turn my Sunday frown upside down? But I never found out. My steak tips and fingerling potatoes went untouched. Just as we were just sitting down to eat, with HBO queued up on the TV and a sleepy dog next to us on the couch, life changed in an instant.
There had been a terrible accident. My brother Dave, his wife Katie, and their little guy Mikey were all involved. We didn’t know how any of them were for hours. I remember attempting to comfort my wife – while also intentionally trying not to say “It’s going to be OK”. At the same time, I texted Dave, “Pls be OK”.
But it wasn’t OK. We lost Dave. Katie was severely injured. Mikey, I still don’t know how, was relatively unharmed – but frightened. On top of all this, we discovered Katie was pregnant. She had planned to surprise the family in another week or two. I couldn’t believe this was all happening. If you went to Hollywood and pitched this as a movie, they’d call the plot unrealistic and overly tragic.
What happens next is a blur. Katie needed care once she was back home. Mikey needed care. Family stepped up. We all listened to Baby Shark about a thousand times too many. But after a couple days, work beckoned…
Sadly, but unsurprisingly, I am the only one in my family with access to a Paid Leave program. To care for Katie, my mother-in-law used FMLA to take off of work. But, did you know that FMLA is unpaid leave? I bet going weeks/months without a paycheck isn’t easy for mom. It wouldn’t be easy for most of us, in fact. Even for those who do take FMLA, about two-thirds experience financial distress.
The rest of my family are farmers and farm hands, preschool and public school teachers, nursing assistants and nonprofit workers, small business owners and stockyard auctioneers. By and large – people we clapped for and called “essential” and “heroic” during the pandemic. But, you know what? We sure don’t treat them as “essential”, much less as heroes. Where is their access to Paid Leave?
So, I’m angry. I’m angry we lost Dave. But I’m also angry that when tragedy hits, our policies make life harder for families – not simpler. I’m angry that going back to work is a necessity for most of us; not a choice. Because it should be a choice.
Since this happened, all I have been able to think about is Mikey. I can’t help it. I would run a mile barefoot over shattered glass to spare that kid an ounce of hurt or to give him an iota of bliss. Thankfully, access to Paid Leave has allowed me to spend more time with him and with Katie.
As a fellow human being – I have to ask – isn’t that exactly where you want me to be?
