Time to End the “Boss Lottery” and Include All Families

 By Jennifer Morales, FV@W Network Learning Accelerator

Many years ago, I worked as the assistant director of a university research center. My boss was legendary for being hard on his employees. He insisted we prioritize our work over any other demands in our lives and give our all to our research projects. Few employees lasted for long.

About two years into my job there, a dear friend developed a case of chronic headaches. They were alarming and debilitating, and sometimes she needed help with simple tasks. The worst of her episodes often happened at night, but one time she called me at my office in the middle of the work day. The pain was so severe, she couldn’t get out of bed. She hadn’t been able to put together a meal and wanted to know if I could come fix her some lunch and then go with her to urgent care. 

My boss exploded at the idea that I needed to leave work. “For what? Some friend?” he yelled. “Doesn’t she have a family member who can help her?” 

He didn’t understand—maybe couldn’t understand—that my friend was my family. Like a lot of LGBTQ+ folks, my family includes others in the queer community who share similar struggles, including estrangement from our families of origin, and therefore have an ethic of looking out for each other in times of need. My friend, for example, couldn’t count on support from her mother and brothers because her relationships with them were strained due to their religious beliefs about her sexual orientation.  

I stood my ground. My family needed me. When my boss saw that I was determined to go, he gave in. I can hardly believe the assertiveness of my then-young self, but I talked him not only into driving me to my friend’s house, but making a stop at the grocery store first to get some soup! He groused all the way.

In our movement for paid leave, we often say that no one should have to “win the boss lottery” to be able to care for themselves or their families. We need a comprehensive paid leave program that recognizes all the relationships we call “family,” so that the critical determination of who counts is made by us, not a boss. 

In fact, small business owners have said that they don’t want to be the ones who decide who is family for their employees. It’s time-consuming and adds to the stress of being an employer. It’s better for everyone if there is a clear, inclusive policy that applies to all families. 

As Congress fills in the details of our new national paid leave program, it’s essential that it recognizes that many people who count on us for care are not related by law or blood and yet are family. My old boss never truly understood, but over the intervening decades, our paid leave movement has developed champions in Congress that do. Now is the time for them to do right by every U.S. family.